I told my dying father “I forgive you” yesterday.
I’ve thought about this for a week or two, or for most of my life since he did the things I thought he should apologise for. First thing he said was “I am so sorry”.
I said that we didn’t need to talk details and that I had struggled for the last couple of weeks as his impending death had opened old wounds and thoughts where I go to a place where I am a child again. Scared, worrying that he, or anyone, could hurt my mum.
Mum has been dead for five years. She was an awesomely brilliant person. She didn’t need me to protect her, my worrying never stopped anything happening to her and she didn’t want me to waste breath on anything but having a happy life. It is a part of myself that existed before I ever knew myself and it scares me to let it go because it confirms she’s gone and because I’m probably a bit worried as to what to do with that energy. Without mum as a reason to be scared there’s no reason to be scared. It’s another step to being an adult. To being happy.
My aunt Trish, my father’s sister not Mum’s helped me see this. She loves me so much, it makes me cry. She has helped do things that I have been so scared of, that before I have talked to her I didn’t think I could do. Like see my father at my aunt Kathy’s funeral, like forgiving him yesterday. She is as wise as my mum and as selfless.
It’s easy to be a scared little boy, to let anger against all the things I’m allowed to be angry about enter my mind but I need to realise the fear of harm to my mum is gone. No one can hurt her ever again, she is untouchable, a ray of light. I just need to take a deep breath and be strong for me, for us, for my wife. No fear just fun because being scared doesn’t stop pain, love stops pain.
So letting go of hate yesterday with my dad is good for him because I don’t want to cause him pain, and good for me because it’s putting down the weight of fear that my mum never wanted me to carry for a second because she carried the same fear for me from the second she knew I was alive. It’s just love, but Love is best delivered as a smile than a creased forehead weighed down by fear.
Adeypt's Blog 
Leave a comment